October 20, 2021

Let your kids decorate their own rooms

One of the most nurturing things you can do for your children is to let them decorate their own rooms. 

There is an age where children get to/should start to dress themselves. Whatever tutu and denim combination, pajama top and cowboy boots they feel inspired to put on you let them. Swallow your own pride. You may have fear of what people in the grocery store or doctor’s office might think. “What kind of parent allows such cringe-worthy attire in public.” But you know that to some extent that other parents understand. They’ve been there. Despite the clash in styles you smile at the learning process and delightful process of self-expression. 

Admittedly this is a very public display, but all the same is pretty low stakes. After all, you own the garments already and so merely putting them together before leaving the house (or in some cases even before breakfast) is quite a small investment. All it requires is your acceptance and permission. 

Bedroom decor, however, is a bit more of an investment; the cost of fabrics, paint, potentially furniture and the inevitable popstar poster. When you are decorating a room of your home, you are likely taking into account versatility, longevity and resale value. This is hopefully in addition to your style and aesthetic for a comfortable, energized and nurturing home environment. 

When a child is growing up, their bedroom is their most intimate personal space.Its their retreat after a hard week at school. It’s their place where they dream. It’s the place where they play and write in their diary or even pray. This room is the most important room in the house for them. I’m sure many of us wish the place we eat meals together, or play games together are the most important, and they are important. But the most important really is their personal space; their bedroom. 

There are three, possibly four, major phases a child’s room goes through. 

Room-phase one: The Nursery

This is the space your baby comes home to. They are first alone in this room and spend much time getting nursed or rocked here with a parent. The baby won’t have a say in this room and will likely not have any conscious opinions about your handiwork. However we do know they will sense the calming effect of the colors, the lighting or the busy-ness of the wall paper and practice focusing on mobiles or other items of interest. This is the first and last time you get any real say in this room until you get the room back when they move out. The room will stay more or less this way without much thought for a few years. 

Room-phase two: Big Kid Bed

Most parents do their best to make the change of converting to a big kid bed an exciting milestone to be celebrated. By this time your child is between 2 and 4 years old and is fully aware of the momentous nature of this event. Whether spurred on by a new younger sibling needing the crib or simply outgrowing it, this is often just an limited to furniture bestowed to the child. This is also likely around the time the child starts to dress themselves and/or have opinions on what they like and don’t.  I would offer this is a great time to allow for baby’s first remodel. It doesn’t need to be major, but to allow your child to pick a new wall color, new sheets, a chair and some decor can go a long way toward building their self-esteem. They will see their opinions matter and can see something they create come to life on a grand scale right-sized for their kiddo world. The tough blessing of this is that depending on their creativity and your willingness to facilitate their choices regardless of their risk or deviate from your mature taste, may also teach them to live with or incrementally adjust to their choices. Purple and red might be fun for a while, but if they change their mind it’s an opportunity to make small adjustments to improve their environment based on their intuition. This creative muscle to address their own needs with your support may be one of the single important things you can give their child (beyond love and substance of course!) It demonstrates that you see your child and the insides they are trying to express without suppression. Seeing their intuition play out in the real world with a relatively low public profile is a playground for your child’s development.  And because it originates with them it will be perfectly age and developmentally appropriate. A room for pure expression with the pressure of an instagram reveal. 

Room-phase three: Not a kid anymore

There will come a moment around jr. high or high school when the “baby” room they are inhabiting needs an overhaul and they will probably let you know when that is. This may happen through announcement that something needs to change or subtle eye-rolls and complaining. It also happens around the same time that pressure starts to build around what they wear to school. Depending on the depth of the rebellion, this may be a fun time to offer they work with a designer.  Someone that can help them bring their vision to life with a little structure and taste that lasts without the involvement of their cringey parents. Its an age where a bit of sophistication brought to their own style can be a part of the maturing process and be quite grounding at a time of great change for them. This engages their self-expression in a more grown-up way. I do recommend a designer that can listen and help a (pre-) teenager bring this vision to life as opposed to helping yourself. This is a time of their life when you and they are embroiled in debates about homework, friends or extra-curricular activities. Having this space evolve with a neutral third party can help it be a conflict-free safe space. And for your benefit it’s one area to give yourself a break. Exhale. Give your designer a budget and four walls and step back and let it happen. There is an adult on board but it doesn’t need to be you. In fact, it’s better that it’s not. The right designer here should be quite affordable for one bedroom. What a gift to give your child during one of the most emotionally tumultuous times under your roof. 

Room-phase four: DIThemselves

There may be one more paint job before they move out. Your teenager’s taste may change or they may just need something to do on a rainy weekend. My best advice is to let it happen. And have them do the work themselves. At this point they are old enough to roll-up their sleeves and accomplish their redecorating themselves.  A lesson in scope and self-reliance. Paint can be easily afforded by their part-time job or allowance. They can make things happen through their own muscle and a little effort. The sense of accomplishment will do wonders for their well-earned pride and it shows that you trust them. 

Your Part

I know this all feels very hands-off on your part. In one respect it is, but it is not without your participation. Your engagement of noticing when it is time for a new milestone for them and empowering them in their choices and accomplishments is hugely powerful. A fully disengaged relationship to your child’s room doesn’t encourage them to build their safe space and self-expression and can make it hard for them to see what’s possible. They need your stamp of approval. Your role is critical and will go far in helping their intuition and confidence in self-reliance that we need in our future adults. Encouraging these steps and milestones to unfold is a job well done, parent. Well done.  Xoxo love

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